


like fireflies playing against the backdrop of midnight

by aletterinthenameofsanity



Series: hold my hand (i can hear the ghost calling) [15]
Category: Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: BAMF Pepper Potts, Bisexual Male Character, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gay Male Character, Happy Ending, Kissing, M/M, Making Out, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, Post-Avengers (2012), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pre-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Prequel, Secret Marriage, THIS IS THE SHIT, Team as Family, it has lots of making out and comforting and fluff, like despite some of this angsty shit, supportive husbands, this is really really fluffy tho
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-30
Updated: 2018-10-30
Packaged: 2019-08-09 22:15:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,259
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16458014
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aletterinthenameofsanity/pseuds/aletterinthenameofsanity
Summary: Tony is nearly fifty years old, and sometimes he feels every year of his age. He knows that the tabloids are judging him for going so long without ever getting married. Him, though- he’s so incredibly glad that he waited this long to find someone to commit to spending the rest of his life with, because Sam was worth waiting for.“You’re doing that thing again, aren’t you?” Sam asks, raising an eyebrow.Tony’s brow furrows. “What thing?”“You’re thinking bad about yourself again,” Sam says.Tony smirks. “Never. Haven’t you met me?”“Yeah, I have. You promised to trust me, Tones,” Sam says, a note of frustration poking into his voice, “I don’t want to push, especially if you feel uncomfortable with it, but I want to be here for you. I can’t do that fully if you don’t share your thoughts with me.”Tony takes a deep breath. He does trust Sam. He knows Sam, knows the way they fit together, knows the pasts they share.Truth is a bomb, he thinks, But it can also be a relief.“Okay,” Tony says, and allows himself to open up.





	like fireflies playing against the backdrop of midnight

**Author's Note:**

  * For [syriala](https://archiveofourown.org/users/syriala/gifts).



> Title is from "Shine" by Shane Kocyzan.

Sam's last tour (before officially retiring active duty in Afghanistan in favor of becoming Falcon) happens to coincide with the invasion of New York by Loki and Tony's near-death trip to space.

He doesn’t hear about what Tony did- how he nearly died, how he sacrificed himself for everyone in New York City, how he flew into a black hole and JARVIS said that his last words were _I love you, Sam_ \- until he gets home.

(He and Tony have been married for less than a year by this point. Sam hasn’t got entirely used to Tony’s recklessness, to what it’s like to feel that quick sting of fear shooting down his spine.)

Sam walks up to the entrance of Stark Tower, not even bothering to change out of his fatigues. He hasn't seen Tony in months, and he wants to see his husband. He wants to wash the desert away from him, wants to feel like a normal civilian again.

He doesn’t even have to talk to Tony’s new PA (not Natalia- the redhead disappeared while Sam was on tour- but a different scarily competent woman he’ll soon learn is named Padma Patil) before his husband is sprinting across the floor of the lobby.

Sam sees Tony, and it's like seeing (not an angel, certainly, because Tony is flawed and Sam wouldn't have him any other way) a lake after a long stint in the desert. Refreshing, a dream made reality, a reminder of what Sam has been missing for ages- everything Sam wants and needs.

Tony grins wearily as he sees Sam. Sam instantly spots the new scars and bruises, the circles under Tony's eyes, the reminders of the battle he only distantly heard about. It takes him back to the days when Iron Man was the _only_ superhero, the lone Defender of New York.

(Sam and Tony had started dating just a month after the announcement of Iron Man's true identity. Obadiah Stane had been dealt with, but the scars of his betrayal still remained fresh. Sam knows that not all of Tony's nightmares are related to his father, and he knows how easy it is for Tony to still get hurt.)

Sam feels two rings pressed against his chest as he and Tony hold each other tight. He and Tony's rings and his dog tags are dangling around their necks, hanging where they can’t get dented or scuffed in the lab or the field.

“I missed you,” Sam says, voice raw, and Tony nods.

“Missed you too, Birdbrain.”

\---

“You're a fucking idiot,” Sam says when Tony tells him the whole story, bit by dangerous bit, as they're lying in bed together that night.

“And you love me anyway,” Tony says with a smirk.

“That I do,” Sam says, “But that doesn’t mean that I want “til the day I die” to be as soon as possible, that’s all.”

Tony’s smirk falls away, face opening up into vulnerability. “I understand completely,” he says, hand tracing Sam’s bare chest. Sam’s ring knocks against his fingers.

Their marriage is young, only two years old. Sam's been gone for a year, during which their primary form of communication was the occasional letter or encrypted video call. (The second lieutenants in Sam's company- Nick Eisner, Lauren Shiba, and Frank Zhang- Sam had trusted with his life and his secret marriage, and so he didn’t have to hide the calls with Tony.)

So young- Tony doesn’t want to lose Sam after only having gotten to spend such a short amount of time with him.

\---

Tony's at a charity gala (all the proceeds will go to supporting veterans' charities) when the world starts to close in. He isn't sure exactly what triggered it- perhaps the music, perhaps the appearance of the man standing behind the CEO he's talking to- but he recognizes what's happening to his heartrate.

“If you’ll excuse me,” Tony says, forcing a lazy smile, “I’ve got to see a man about a solar-powered water irrigation system.”

And then he’s scooting off into a back hallway as the world threatens to cave in around him.

 

_He can't breathe, the world's getting dark, he's never gonna see Sam again-_

“Tony,” Sam's familiar voice says softly, and Tony can feel a light touch on his elbow. Tony looks up and finds himself crouched on the back hallway of the third floor, suit creasing. He is clutching his own hand, left hand trying to steady his right wrist. Sam is squatting in front of him, concern in his eyes.

It was a joint decision, not announcing their marriage to the press. Tony didn't want to expose Sam to the paparazzi, and Sam didn't want the press to have another point to push Tony on. They _both_ wanted to be able to keep their love life as private as possible, to leave them with room to breathe.

Sam slides down against the wall next to Tony until he's sitting on the carpet by his husband's side.

“You okay?” he asks, voice carefully soft.

Tony looks at Sam, drinking in his face. He admires Sam so much for being a soldier and fighting for the country he loves, but that doesn’t mean Tony didn’t miss him when he was in Afghanistan.

A month ago, Tony flew into a black hole certain he would die. His last thoughts had been of his husband's face, of the last time they’d kissed, of that diner on the base that they must have gone to at least two dozen times.

Now, he’s back to normal, for whatever fucked interpretation of the word that may be.

The only way to stay normal, though, is to trust in his family. Sam, Pepper, and Rhodey- these are the people who keep him feeling sane while the world falls apart.

(He tries to ignore the wings sitting in the lab, which he and Sam have developed together. He tries to ignore Pepper’s electric powers and Rhodey’s armor. He tries to ignore the fact that everyone in his family are being dragged into this superhero mess.

He's not as successful as he would hope.)

Tom looks at Sam’s face and sees everything he loves in this world. He doesn’t know how he got so lucky as to have this beautiful, noble man fall in love with him.

Tony is nearly fifty years old, and sometimes he feels every year of his age. He knows that the tabloids are judging him for going so long without ever getting married. Him, though- he’s so incredibly glad that he waited this long to find someone to commit to spending the rest of his life with, because Sam was worth waiting for.

(Sometimes he wonders if he’s bringing Sam down, tying him to a man so much older than him.)

“You’re doing that thing again, aren’t you?” Sam asks, raising an eyebrow.

Tony’s brow furrows. “What thing?”

“You’re thinking bad about yourself again,” Sam says.

Tony smirks. “Never. Haven’t you met me?”

“Yeah, I have. You promised to trust me, Tones,” Sam says, a note of frustration poking into his voice, “I don’t want to push, especially if you feel uncomfortable with it, but I want to be here for you. I can’t do that fully if you don’t share your thoughts with me.”

Tony takes a deep breath. He _does_ trust Sam. He knows Sam, knows the way they fit together, knows the pasts they share.

 _Truth is a bomb,_ he thinks, _But it can also be a relief._

“Okay,” Tony says, and allows himself to open up.

\---

Later that evening, Tony is wandering around the gala without Sam. Sam and him had parted ways when Sam had spotted an old Lieutenant he used to work with- Nick Eisner, Tony's pretty sure he said- and headed off to talk to him. Tony, in turn, had turned on the charm and gone to socialize just like the old days.

Instead, he bumps into Pepper.

Pepper’s fiery hair is pulled up in an intricate ‘do, her dark purple evening gown dramatic against her pale skin. On her arm is a woman with flowing blonde hair, dressed in a well-tailored grey suit.

“Tony,” Pepper says, “I’d like you to meet Agent Sharon Carter, my girlfriend.”

Tony grins. “It’s nice to meet the lovely woman who captured my dear CEO’s heart.”

Sharon and Pepper both roll their eyes, and Tony grins. “You guys are made for each other,” he says, “Carter, you’ve already got Pepper’s eyeroll down.”

“Good thing there'll be one more person who knows how to treat you, Tony,” Pepper says.

“I'd rather just hang out with Sam,” Tony says.

“Sam doesn't put up with your bull any better than I do, Tony-" Pepper starts, but she's cut off by a loud noise.

The fireworks go off, and Tony’s attention instantly goes to Sam. After all, Tony isn't the only one with PTSD.

“Motherfucking hell,” Tony swears, “I told them not to shoot off fireworks.”

Pepper looks as furious as he feels. “This is a _military_ gala,” she hisses, whipping out her phone. “We have dozens of veterans here suffering from PTSD-”

“You can handle the crackdown?” Tony asks, and Pepper nods. Tony takes off to go find Sam, trying to keep the fear from his heart.

(His and Sam’s initial connection was based around explosions and burial in the sands of Afghanistan, a shared understanding of trauma and the power flight has to help alleviate it. They both have nightmares, have flashbacks, suffer from PTSD, though of a different sort. Tony doesn’t want Sam to hurt anymore than Sam wants him to hurt.)

\---

Tony finds Sam curled up on the sofa in the penthouse, suit shed in favor of a wifebeater and a pair of flannel pajamas. The afghan Sam’s mom knitted them is draped over his lap. His bionic leg is sitting on the floor next to the sofa and though he’s not shaking, the tension in his shoulders is unmistakable.  _Doctor Who_ is playing through the surround sound system, Christopher Eccleston’s gorgeous face and Northern vowels looming in the background of the living area.

Tony's heart finally starts to calm down from his panic over searching for Sam, instead filling with a deep ache as he crosses the penthouse floor, shedding his suit jacket as he goes. He hates seeing Sam in pain, the aftereffects of war carving canyons across his usually optimistic face.

“You all good?” Tony asks, plopping down onto the couch next to Sam.

Sam's jaw is set, his lips a thin line. “Not really,” he says.

Okay, then. Tony does well with verbal reassurance in the aftermath of an episode- Sam tends to do better with physical comfort. First cuddles and physical touch, then conversation.

“You want some cuddles?” Tony offers, giving Sam his best pout, and Sam laughs.

“You’re ridiculous, Tony Stark,” Sam teases, and Tony waggles his finger.

“That's Tony Stark- _Wilson_ to you,” Tony corrects, leaning in to press a kiss to the corner of Sam’s mouth. “Lt. Sam Stark-Wilson.”

Sam smiles and pulls Tony in for a gentle kiss. Tony willingly follows, wanting to be as soft as possible to help Sam. After all, different things help different people with their PTSD, but kindness and gentleness can never go wrong.

As they trade gentle, careful kisses, Sam starts to relax, the iron leaving his spine. In its place lies a soft curve, a human rather than a machine. He shifts from Falcon, from soldier, from robotic exoskeleton, into fragile, yielding human. Tony starts to believe that they will have no more problems tonight. They're just gonna make out, watch Doctor Who, and leave the rest of the gala to Pepper to deal with.

(Well, as soon as Tony takes care of whatever fuck set fireworks off near a strict no-fireworks-because-this-is-a-fucking-military-charity-gala-full-of-soldiers-you-stupid-fucks zone-)

“Tony,” Sam says softly, breaking the kiss just slightly. “I know you're worrying."

"Can't help it, dear," Tony says, not quite apologizing.

"Tones, you can't protect me from my own mind."

Tony has done so much to try and keep the outside world away from their home. Neither of them want paparazzi interfering in their relationship or their PTSD being triggered. This penthouse is only accessible by Sam, Pepper, Rhodey, and Tony's robot children. The levels below are for the Avengers, but this level, these rooms, are just for family.

Tony specifically has done all he can to keep out the pain of the past in order to make them a new, better future.

"I know," Tony says, "But that doesn't mean I can't try."

Sam presses a gentle kiss to the corner of Tony's mouth. "I know you will. Just- don't feel guilty about it, okay?"

"I can try," Tony says, and he means it. If it was anyone else, he doesn't think he'd even try to put in the effort, but for Sam- for Sam, he can try to fix his fucked-up brain. "For you."

"How about for yourself?"

Tony doesn't think he's there yet, and he's pretty sure he may never be.

Sam's expression is sympathetic. "We'll go slow, okay? Work you up to that point."

"I can promise I'll try," Tony says.

"That's all I'm asking for," Sam says, then leans in to resume their making out session.

\---

Over the next few months, Thor leaves to go off on some Asgardian adventure. Bruce buries himself in the lab. Natasha and Clint go off on missions around the world.

Tony stays in New York, planning inventions for Stark Industries, and Steve Rogers stays as well.

\---

Sam has always been a people person. It's easy to socialize, to be at ease with people and be friendly to them. He likes to observe people, to see what makes them tick. They fascinate him.

Steve Rogers is a strange one. Despite having a place at Avengers Tower with Tony- which Sam would snap up as soon as he had the opportunity, rather than keeping up appearances with his trailer- he goes all the way out to outside the city and goes running every morning. He often stays in hotels overnight rather than in the residential suites of the Tower.

(But Sam can sympathize with the soldier- it’s been seventy years since he was awake and aware. The Tower is highly technologically advanced compared to some of the hotels that Steve Rogers has been staying in, and Sam understands how Steve could be more comfortable staying in hotels rather than at the Tower.)

This is how Sam meets him properly- one morning, Steve goes running around the same area that Sam does.

They get along well, and Sam becomes friends with Steve over months of morning runs.

They only hit one major snag early on:

“Hey, Steve,” Sam says as they take a break from their run one day, “I got something I wanna share with you. Steve raises an eyebrow over the top of his water bottle, and Sam swallows. “I’m gay.”

“You’re happy?”

“I’m homosexual,” Sam explains, waiting for the full implications to hit Steve.

Steve pauses, and for a moment Sam braces himself for the homophobia of the 40s, the homophobia that he grew up with on the streets of New York and sometimes in the army. He doesn't want it to impact their friendship, doesn't want Steve to just see him like that after all of the mornings they've spent running and talking together.

“Okay,” Steve says, tone neutral. Sam breathes a sigh of relief at the lack of judgement in Steve's tone. He's not surprised that the guy isn't jumping for joy- it's too early for that- but still, this is on the better end of the outcomes he was expecting.

\---

Just like his husband, Sam can't resist a little drama.

“I'm joining the Avengers,” Sam says, dropping off his gear in the middle of the living room. Natasha, Clint, Steve, and Bruce look up at him. Tony continues chewing on his Chinese, seemingly nonchalant, but Sam can see the edges of the grin he's hiding behind the box of food.

“You? Sam?” Steve's eyebrows are near the ceiling. “But you're just a soldier, how do you-"

Sam grins as he pulls a folded letter out of his pocket. He tosses it to Steve, who catches it automatically. “I'm the founder of the Falcon program, Steve.” To his satisfaction, he sees Natasha and Clint’s expressions go a bit shocked at this. “With a little engineering expertise from reliable sources, I helped design a set of fully functioning engine-powered wings. I have leadership and planning expertise from my time in the Army, and I spent over a year training to take on the mantle of the Falcon program and its technology. I myself engineered Redwing, a mechanical reconnaissance machine to aid in the Falcon program’s initiatives. I sent in a resume of sorts to Maria Hill, showing my recon work in Afghanistan and my abilities with the wings, and Fury signed the papers.”

Steve smiles. “Then welcome to the team, Wilson.”

 _Stark-Wilson,_ Sam mentally corrects, but doesn't say. Only one bombshell needed for the day.

“Thanks, Rogers.” He glances beyond Steve to Tony. “Gonna welcome me to the Tower, Stark?” he asks, a bit of a flirtatious lilt to his tone.

Tony nearly chokes on his noodles but manages to regain his usual bravado. “If you want, Birdbrain.”

"I thought that was my nickname," Clint pouts, and Tony smirks.

"What can I say?" Tony asks. "There's a newer, hotter hero in town."

\---

That night finds Tony and Sam making out against the counter in the kitchen, their lips live wires against each other. Now that Sam living in the tower, it's gonna be a hell of a lot easier for him to sneak up to the penthouse level- especially if there just so happens to be a hidden staircase built in the closet of Sam's bedroom on the penultimate level that leads direct into their suite in the penthouse.

They eventually lean back for a breather. “You getting tired already, old man?” Sam teases, fingers casually playing with the dogtags hanging around Tony's neck.

“You wish,” Tony says with a wink.

Then, a few more kisses later, when they're pausing for a quick snack and a drink:

“This year's gonna be an interesting one,” Sam says, thinking of the messy, insane team he's agreed to join.

(The Avengers are not gods yet, torn apart by old secrets and their own flaws- they are just a bunch of broken heroes dedicated to protecting the world.)

Tony just knows that Sam will be the perfect addition to the team- he is honest, and strong, and dedicated. He has a strong moral code and is already a military hero. How much of a leap is it from what the man he already is to joining a team made of people just like him?

“Yeah it is,” Tony says, “Welcome to the team, Wilson,” before leaning back in for another kiss.

Sam grins and responds in kind, before breaking off himself and correcting, “ _Stark_ -Wilson.”

Tony smiles. “Samuel Stark-Wilson, my favorite man in the world.”

"Anthony Stark-Wilson," Sam volleys back, then grimaces a little. "We've gotta stop flirting like this," Sam says, "It's getting kinda cheesy."

Tony shrugs. "I don't know," he says, "I kinda love the fact that I'm married to the most wonderful man in the world."

"Well," Sam says, smile mirroring his husband's, "I can't exactly argue with that."

Then they lean back in, and not much else is said for a rather long while.

**Author's Note:**

> So I haven't updated in awhile because on the last chapter I posted, I received a couple of comments accusing this series of racism and saying that I was “a racist piece of shit" who had written a “shitty and badly characterized fic." (All of them are still up save one, which said that everyone who wrote this ship or stanned Tony “should go and die” because I do not in any form condone death threats or the encouragement of violence.)  
> These comments got me to questioning how I wrote this series, how I had changed some of Sam’s initial characterization from the movies. I realized that my characterization may have let something to be desired, and though the characterization I was pursuing was based in the backstory given in the movie, I now realize that some of Sam's characterization in this series may have been seen as disrespectful to the original characterization, whether in the comics or the movies.  
> I am a white, asexual/panromantic female with anxiety problems and a whole host of physical issues, not the least of which is a bad leg. I will be the first to admit that I am not the most accurate voice on many issues, especially ones of race, and though I try to do my research I know that I will inevitably fuck up.  
> Going forward, I promise to continue putting thought into the way I develop characters and trying my best to represent all people and cultures properly. It has always been my goal to respect all groups that I write about, and I would like to sincerely apologize for anyone I may have offended.  
> I would, however, like people to stop commenting hateful vitriol. I like constructive criticism, but not anything involving threats or violence. Please do not make jokes about killing characters or people.  
>    
> But back to the beginning of this tangent.  
> So, in the aftermath of all of these revelations, I didn't know how to finish this prequel of sorts to the series. This fic has been in the works since May, and while I've been able to find the motivation to move forward with other series and other fics, the comments regarding this series have given me pause. I hope that this addition to the series, though late, is respectful, carries through characterization already established in this series, and that you all enjoyed it as much as you did the rest of the series!


End file.
